"Ain't A Ceiling"

Ok, so I'm wack cause I haven't actually posted any of my own words, once again, in a while. It's coming. But, I happened across this, never saw it when it aired, anyone that knows me = HUGE JILLY FAN!!!!! This fully breaks my heart and manages to bring me joy at the same time...that's Jill. I also wanted to keep this in somewhat of an archived state. Dedication: to my future Supreme Being...

Milk & Honey - Goapele

ON REPEAT!!!!

Milk and Honey - Goapele from goapele on Vimeo.

Another Again

I haven't kept up with my blog at all over the last several weeks, but to post a song that was heavy on my mind one day. Additionally, "my territory" took a brief little hit at the discovery of one entry in particular that, well, rubbed someone the wrong way. Not to mention my new obsession with The Wendy Williams Show, numerous Showtime series and True Blood have kept a girl occupado! Yes, I've been THAT busy! Lol! So, I figured here's a good place to start-again. I finally got a job here in Atlanta!!! Yeyy all things me! If I said I was coming to feel as though my decision to leave it all behind and make this move was a bad one, I would not being doing that emotion any favors. I was becoming devastated! Barely holding on-literally. I actually had to consider, contemplate, admit and verbalize that I might have had to pack it all up-again-and go for the last resort. Moving to Phoenix to live with my mother! Having nothing to do with her because I adore my mother, but that would have been dreadful for a multitude of reasons.

Nearing what would have been 3 months in this new place with no job, was a definite test of my faith. After all, one can only take so many trips to Target, my book club meets only once a month and boredom - money = dwindling money. It was all a bumpy adventure into questioning oneself. What am I made of? How long can I believe, should I believe, would I believe in my decision? I chose this isolation, right? My faith was driven to the edge of a muddy cliff, one foot steaded on a stiletto, staring into some unforecasted cataclysm. As dramatic as it may sound, it is not less true. It's a sinking feeling when you no longer have tangible security. Everything about me this time last year barely exists. I always believed I was a strong individual, considering. There have been instances in my life, some no one knows about, that should have broken me. I definitely don't think I've always taken the high road and I'm certainly nothing above a regular human. So, I accept the tears over these few months, revel in the aloneness, reflect on where I could have been versus where I have been and where I currently am and can say, without a doubt that, I get me! I'm positive there is more to be learned, more missteps I will have to take and tough decisions I will need to make, but knowing just the little more about myself that I know now, I can hold a higher level of confidence and say "yeah I can do that too". I realize now that this all could have been so much worse, but when you're the one in it, as far as you're concerned, believe and possibly recite in silence, this is only happening to me. No one else is enduring the same emotions I am at this moment. I've been forgotten about. The mind plays the best (code: worst), tricks on you-fully. But as soon as I was offered the position, I literally felt lighter. Stress, doubt, anxiety and defeat are heavy feelings and they're real. It's like carrying around a backpack of bricks, but you get so used to that heaviness, it becomes an extention of you. It's easy to forget how light feels. Well, for the first Sunday since March 20, since I've been here, I'm a feather :o)!!!

I'm not sure what this is going to look like, all this starting over, but I can say that I made the right decision for myself. A complete overhaul. I have a vision for my life, even before all of this newness. They're my visions and they're as clear as a cloudless blue sky. Some clouds drift in and out, different shapes, some small-hardly noticeable and quickly moving, some quite large and ominous that stick around for longer than invited, but they pass along...always and again.

P.S. I'm off to Vegas next weekend to celebrate all this starting over (any reason to be in Vegas). I hate to say the expected, "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas", but this time, since it's not for work and nor will I be with family, I'm "betting" on it! Maybe, MAYBE, I'll speak on it when I return. Viva Las Vegas!!!!

Just A Moment

Jill Unreleased

I like that no matter where or in what form you see her, live, on T.V., it's never the same twice. Almost like seeing or hearing her for the first time each time.

Grosse Pointe Blank

I have a secret (not so much anymore) obsession with a surprising individual. John Cusack. He's not considered a big name star or anything, but some of his movies tend to strike a cord with me. High Fidelity (one of my top ten fav movies) for the music aspect. Say Anything, while to me is horribly acted, is a cult classic largely due to the scene where Lloyd holds the boom box over his head outside of Diane's window blasting "In Your Eyes". While I was never a Peter Gabriel fan, I don't know anyone in my generation who has not slow danced at an after school dance to this song in some sweat stained, teenage hormone funked gym. Furthermore, I can appreciate the nepotism in that his sister seems to show up in some obscure way in most of his movies. At any rate, the point I'm making is that he always has a scene, a line, an epiphany that just floors me and brings me into an altered and not necessarily untrue sense of reality. The timing seems to line up with some area of my life. Even if he's not the one delivering the line at the time-I still associate it with him. Always in the manner in which I wish I could be so eloquent and get my point across to an individual. Gotta love the movies. I mean think about it. Yes it's a movie, but these are real people writing this stuff. They think like this in real life. It just so happens that they make it larger than life and bank it. I used to watch High Fidelity,well high, and I would almost be brought to tears because of the irony of the subtext. It was always the scene where he leaves the reception for the death of Laura's father after he realizes how uninvolved he was in his own relationship, but all the while throughout the movie he pity's himself. He's sitting on a bench in the rain, in the dark, speaking out loud, but to himself really. "I can see now I never really committed to Laura. I always had one foot out the door, and that prevented me from doing a lot of things, like thinking about my future and... I guess it made more sense to commit to nothing, keep my options open. And that's suicide. By tiny, tiny increments". It's a great scene! He looks for answers in past relationships, never realizing until that moment that it was his fault and how unaware he was while the relationship was actually relevant. Gets me every time! Not necessarily in that it applied totally to me, but there is a lot of me in that quote. My initial discovery of this movie and some events of my life at this same time stood side by side. To me, he was saying he was numb. You only consciously realize how uninvolved you felt in the use of your arms, your legs, your words, after the numbness has subsided. I liken it to being in a mobile, upright coma. Being in a coma steals time from you and as much as you would give, you're unable to provide an explanation for what's been lost. That was me. That is why this movie meant so much to me. As movies go, it had the fairytale ending and they got back together. That's where movies lose me because I just don't know many stories like that. Perhaps my wishful side indulges for that reason and I can always hope. I would have loved for the person in which other parts of that movie were applicable to have watched it with me and our worlds just turned on its axis within those cleaver lines. I digress...

So, I'm flipping through the channels on my guide today looking for something good on T.V. and Grosse Point Blank is on. I don't know anything about this movie. I don't really recall it being in the movie theaters back when-'97 according to the info tab and the storyline seems somewhat boring and predictable. But for no other reason than who the starring role belongs to, it should be good. No doubt-30 minutes in, I get a line and it's a twist on a cliche. We all know this one "if you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it's yours. If it doesn't, it was never yours to keep", or always some variation therein. I personally always hated that generic consolation prize. Hearing it never actually made me feel better or even good for that matter. But for the fact that I am a sucker for love, there go I...eating that shit up. So here's the twist "If you love something set it free. If it comes back to you, it's usually broken". How damn brilliant is that?! Now THAT feels better!!! I'm not saying it has to be true. No more than the original quote may or may not be true. It's subjective. I think two people who lost their connection at some point, can reconnect and neither party be broken. To that point, further into the movie, the person who made this statement to John Cusack's character retracted it slightly after spending more time with him and said "I don't think you're broken, just mildly sprained". Well hell who ain't?!

Some people have a daily mantra, quote or bible scripture that they play over and over in their head throughout the day. Whether for personal inspiration or to share with someone you may encounter as your move throughout your day. Well, there's one more to add to the collection. You could stick to regurgitating a tired, thread bare cliche quote that will not land or if laced with the right cadence and perfect timing you could go with the twist. Whatever gets you through the day and isn't that what we're all looking for when we wake up in the morning...?

If You Think It Applies To You....Assume You're Not Wrong

I'm supposed to be doing my hair right now, but I had to get this out cause I'm PISSED!!!

I HATE you! No, like really, really, really, really, HATE you!!! Not the kind of "I want your roof to cave in and you get trapped under the rubble type of hate", (I'm capable of that kind and have wished it on a few). It's the kind where if I never heard from you again, I wouldn't exactly be sad about it. Furthermore, I might actually be over the moon about it. It just came to me today. Fuck feelings. Fuck love. Fuck your stories. Fuck a good fuck. Fuck laughing. Fuck the music. Fuck the memories. And middle finger to you and three people that look like you!

You put me in a pocket! How dare you!!!! You went on about your way, spewing bullshit at me while you were at it. "It's the one area in which we get along" says him. I believed you!!! WTF???!!! Frankly, if I'm being honest with myself, it sounded like shit then and it sounds like bullshit now. Especially now that I can see clearly thru you. You drew the line in the sand and it just came into view. A line that started at your dick and ended at my pussy with ABSOLUTELY nothing in between. You're common! You're a common man in noble men's clothing! You're a common man with a gentleman's vernacular! I'm excited that we have not shared a bed in a while! I'm excited that you're now someone else's heartache, confusion and soon to be tears! You're a user and I see you!! If it's not to your advantage, it matters not. You fucking dick! It was easy for you too because you knew where I was, you knew what I wanted and you knew where I was going! I hope you're happy about the sympathy you managed to generate from your distorted reality, jagged truth and puzzle stories. It's false sympathy by the way, but I'm sure you could give a shit cause sympathy is sympathy and that's your calling card. If for one day, I'd like to have a dick so I could fuck you with it!!!!!

However, I'm reasonable (unlike you). I can't totally blame you. I allowed it. Against my better judgement. I fell into the very well designed trap you laid out. A trap I'm still trying to gnaw my own right foot off to get completely out of. I'm learning though, that the switch works both ways. But, being that I'm a girl, it just took me a little longer to locate it. Well, update: switch found, switch flipped...you're off. After all, you just did what most home grown assholes do. Well done! Well played! Well maneuvered! But a winner you are not. So, bottom line here are a number of things I know:

1. Karma's a bitch.
2. As long as you're so busy blaming everyone else, you'll always be where you've always been.
3. You talk too much to the wrong people.
4. As long as you search, no matter how many you run thru, for all those that will never meet your standard-your version of perfection.....none will ever be what I was to you.

But, I understand why you would never admit any of these things. Because you're you. And for that, I'm over...you...FUCKER!!!!

....And Then The Sun Came Up

Refreshed, renewed, relaxed.
And then, this song always makes me smile...

3:51 a.m. Free Association

sleep, sleep, sleep
cold, hot, cold, hot....no I'm cold
how did this start?
oh yeah, my stomach ached
or was that my heart/ached?
what am I holding down?
music
music will bring it up
iPod
shuffle shuffle shuffle
past elliptical music
note: create play lists
note: add that to the list of plays
"good mourning"-india.arie
tear one
..two
...three
....i lost count
i hate my sensitivity
doesn't count...turn down, turn off
evacuate!!!!
where is my built in switch?
boys get all the good toys
"insomnia"-raheem devaughn
hey! even my shuffle knows what's up
almost don't want to sleep
usually the time for that reoccurring dream
he is a cute little boy though
stay sleep stay sleep stay sleep
just stay sleep and he'll speak
i wish he'd speak
his little voice will remind me what love sounds like
"i'll be waiting"-lenny kravitz
no the hell i won't!
i don't want to!
i'm ready to go!
this place is old!
i want out!
RUUUUUUUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
tear one
..two
.....lost count
i remember the last time i was like this
i am heartbroken
in several places
for many reasons
i don't care to continue to admit that
i'll consider that the last time i do
quiet tortured soul of mine
this side never leaves my side
"don't let me down"-amel larrieux
but...
you already have

Role Reversals

I was talking to my mother recently about my current situation. I'm in a new city after having been laid off in Virginia. So, I packed it up and headed down I-85 a month and a half ago and now I'm finding my way. Finding a job, making new friends, dating possibilities, etc. We talk often now because she's worried. It's strange when you become an adult how the roles reverse. You end up comforting your parents and encouraging them to get through your adulthood. My father even told me to let him know if he's "hovering" which I thought was cute as he had taken somewhat of a hands off approach to me and my sister over the last several years until now. He was always a good father, never absent, always on time, but very much about himself and his own opinion. If you pay attention you notice the evolution of conversations with parents. They tell you things that maybe they wouldn't have told you when you were younger. Perhaps for the good of all parties. But one thing is very clear; my parents believe in me. In separate but equal ways. My mother knows me best just based on the fact that she is who raised me for the most part. My parents divorced when I was four years old so I don't remember ever living with my father as some of my memories as a child are blurred. For no reason really. I just have a bad memory. My sister remembers most of it-amazing to me. 85-90% of my growth and development I owe to my mother. My father is more formal. He knows the business side of me and he thinks I border on genius (which is far from true), but I let him believe that.

So when my mother made the following statement to me, "Aja, you've never done anything the easy way", I was at first taken aback. I wasn't sure if I should be offended or thank her for sharing that with me. She was speaking mainly about my choice to just get up and move, but after asking her, she meant as far as she could remember. I did a quick inventory on what I could remember as a child to now just to see if she was right. At least, to the degree that she knows about, she was right. The first thing that came to mind was when I was four, my sister was five and already in school and learning how to read. Well instead of waiting until it was my turn to go to school and let the teachers teach me how to read, I taught myself how to read. No way was my sister going to do what I couldn't do! English ended up being my best subject all through school. I thought of when I swore I was in love in high school with this guy named Tony, who I was forbidden from seeing, how I somehow snuck off with him and ended up in Stockton California, which was about a two hour drive from where we lived. Well, Tony decided he didn't want to drive me back to the city, so I got stranded up there and ended up in a foster home for the rest of the day because the cops thought I was a runaway. This is funny to me now, but traumatic at the time. Needless to say my mother was furious because she had to come get me. From that I learned what kind of relationships to not involve myself in. I had a few struggles in Virginia. I moved there when I was 17 for college, was terribly homesick during the first several weeks and had not made friends. My mother begged me to come home. I refused. I made some really good friends, enjoyed college and grew up. My first apartment was with a friend at the time, who ended up being a horrible roommate and we fell out in the worst way, so I wanted out. A friend and I moved my stuff, on foot, at midnight, in the rain from one unit to another, which was about a quarter mile each way. That was a very trying night, but we got it done and I learned to live alone.

There are numerous occasions like these, all choices I made, none easier than the one before. But each one gave me something I didn't have before. The physical move here was not easy. It was expensive, stressful, isolated, lonely, sometimes it's still lonely and I don't know where it's going. But 17 and homesick, moving on foot in the rain, in love with the wrong man, not waiting on someone to teach me what I could just teach myself are all traits I own. The willingness to do something impossible, not always waiting on someone to do for me what I can do for myself, knowing that sometimes being stubborn bares good fruit and realizing that once the hurt dies off, heart break will cause it to beat ten times stronger for "the one". My mother, I'm sure can pull up these moments up in her mind like a spinning Rolodex and some she would have liked to have shielded me from. When we talk now and there is that tone of worry lingering at the back of each of her statements, I'll continue to comfort her. It's my responsibility as a product of her and a product of my own decisions. I'll be sure she knows I've been bent to my limits, but I never broke. She'll be aware of the tears I've shed, but that my head was always to the sky. She'll be reassured that I don't just hope, I expect.

"Got Me Changing My Expression...I Don't Express"

I'm sorry, but I just think this is funny...LOL!! "Over and Under"

This Is Old, But Jill Has No Expiration Date

NASTY.....

Pandora's Dating Box {Scene 1}

First dates. The 50% predictability of "that shit sucked" story always to follow. Homegirl took full advantage of that dirty stat about a week ago! So, I've decided to make this an ongoing subject, as it occurs of course. I don't plan on being a serial dater-it's not my style and partially in poor taste now that I'm in my 30s.

I have not dated in a while. I've been laying low, dormant, recharging my emotional batteries over the past couple years. Whatever it's to be, I want it to start out quite differently than my last "relationship" did. Bad foundation, all sorts of cracks...not made to pass inspection let alone for long habitation. At any rate, I decided new place, some new parts of me, why the hell not. The downside of not dating for a while is being out of the where to meet men loop. That's a broad question however, so the true question is where to meet:

God fearing

Intelligent

Has a job

No gold teeth

Has all his teeth

Has a car

DOESN'T LIVE WITH MAMA (we'll get back to that in a bit)

Has no strange obsessions (we will also visit that)

Sans multiple children, preferably none

Honorable

Heterosexual (full time, not when there's nothing better around)

Funny

Good looking (at least my speed)

Loves music

Not over 35

Clever/witty

The list goes on and on and on and....lastly....respects my crazy!

Men?

And yes, that was all ONE question. So I go where everyone goes to do creeping things, sneaking things, kinky things, secret things and of course, shopping things. The Internet. I'm not going to say what site, but it's yielded very few results for a multitude of disrespectful reasons. But I finally came across "a diamond" in the rough. Right age, no children, job, appeared to have a car (at least according to the picture), plays the drums (musician bonus) and good looking. The minimum requirements for me to entertain giving out my cell number. All good on paper. I would later learn, the paper has two sides and one of them is blank. I reached out, he reached back, we set up the safe mid day coffee date. You know, 30 minutes max kind of setting. It all started out pretty well. He was his picture, his truck was true, his job existed and no yuck mouth in sight. But I wouldn't be here if it were all good....I'd be somewhere up in his face. Detail for detail, this story gets boring, but here's the breakdown:

He DOES live with his mother! No comment...use your imagination.

He DOES have what I would consider a strange obsession and I must must must go off on a tangent about this one. He collects magazines!! What the fuck grown man does this shit? Now I would consider this past time/hobby just fine if we're talking rare Time magazine covers or old comic books. Even magazine covers of current historic events, like all things Obama-I get that. No, nah uh...I don't get the normals like that. This fool collects King Magazine, Vibe and never to be left behind, Ebony! What the shit? His argument and let's face it, it needs one even if I don't buy it, was that these publications might one day be worth money. Let me tell you something, never ever, not never, in ever, as long as never is ever will any of those magazines be worth anything more than the damn ass load of money they charge for them!!! If anything, you're in the red!! No profit margin can be realized from Angel Lola Luv's ass in glossy print! Granted her ass should be considered a National Monument and wreaths should be hung from it as an 8th wonder, but King Magazine....really? And he bragged! He went on like a school girl that scribbles variations of her name across every open space of her binder and the last name of some school boy she's in love with attached to those variations! He described to me in complete unsolicited detail the case he keeps them in!!! My personal titty could have been laying on the table in front of him and his eyes wouldn't have expressed as much happiness as his overly detailed, half ass thought out hobby. I only hope the entire expression on my face said "I could give a shit dude!" So all this to say, this is not a hobby. I would even give a free pass and say it's not an obsession. This is a clear case of a pack rat. That is part of the list. We're done here sir!

So what finally pushed it over the top, was how much of a picky eater this man is. He doesn't eat cucumbers or anything that comes on a salad, including the lettuce and ANY salad dressing. He's never even had crab. Did I happen to mention that I'm a "sushi whore"? So I can't even get this man on a basic California Roll! This list also goes on and on and on. It got to a point in the conversation where I told him to tell me what he does like, because I think that list is shorter. Anyone who knows me, has dated me, has eaten out with me or has ever talked to me about food knows that I am a foodie to the letter. I love to cook, I love to eat, I love to watch food being cooked and I love to watch people eat. It sounds fat I know, but what-a-ya-gonna-do? He then, called me 45 minutes after the date was over, in which it's important for me to mention that we only spent an hour and half together, to ask me to "grade" the date. I have NEVER had a man, anyone, ask me this. I think it's entirely inappropriate, lacks confidence-which is major-and wide is the door that swings when you ask this question. Especially when you ask, me. So I was honest. However, I put it all in perspective, pet peeve violations aside and gave him a B-. And can you believe it, a B- got questioned! I explained why the B- and it turned into an argument. He was arguing for a better grade! The hell? This ain't 3rd period Spanish! You get what you get cause you asked!!! I ended that conversation and have not had any interest in knowing his whereabouts since.

Date diagnosis:

What should he have done differently?

Instead of asking me for a grade on the date, he should have just had the balls to either A) ask me out on a second date or B) simply ask me if I had a good time. Option B alone would have gotten him a more favorable response because I would have said I had a nice time. The truth is, I did. It was nice getting out on a Sunday afternoon which I enjoy. But he played his hand all kinds of wrong from Sunday. He provided too much information up front which made it very easy for me to form an opinion about him based on what I'm sure are limited parts of his personality. But he beamed about them. And finally, when he asked me a question and I gave him the honest answer, he decided to fight me on it. What does this say to me about our future communication?

What did I take from the date?

I am ready to put myself out there again. I believe that's what my useless magazine collecting, picky eating, mama's house living, drummer boy was designed for.

I certainly hope he finds a woman to march to those beats. But for now, I have my own rhythm...

Cypher(s)

It's usually a story, a moment, a sentence that spins me off in one direction or another. Today it was information about a complete stranger. It was sad. It's the kind of information that can and should change the momentum of our thoughts and our lives. Someone is dying. Someone who for all intents and purposes should not be. I don't know this individual personally, but does it matter to be human? I'm in a place in my life that I never thought I'd be at "just 30". But I'm here and I have mixed emotions about it; there are layers. But in hearing this story, I have to say, I'm certain this young man is not where he thought he would be either. And suddenly, as macrabe as this and his families story is, it beams hope. In the immediate sense, perhaps not, but in the true sense, absolutely. My heart aches for his wife and his children and naturally for him. The reality brings with it a sense of personal nothingness and a measure of guilt. Guilt because, just this morning, I was thinking about how bored I am and how frustrating this whole looking for a job thing has been for me. Personal nothingness is the "cypher(s)".

Cypher is defined in many ways with the majority being more rooted in a mathematical term or equation. But it also means something of no value or importance. In other words, zero, so still mathematically weighted. Whatever feelings I thought I had about my own situation went away this morning. I felt small and insignificant in the face of my own life and this man is dying, yet he's tall, he's strong in the world. He "knows where he is going". How easily we get caught up in our cyphers and forget that we did not build this thing. It is not our design; it is by design. We are all where we are for a reason and no it's not always fair. It's not right that this woman is loosing her husband after such a short period of time of what I understand as a happy union. It's not fair that she might soon be a widow and she is not yet out of her 20's. It is unjust that she will be a single mother and will have to explain to her children, when they reach the age of comprehension, what death means and that is what happened to their daddy. Before proms, first dates, first kisses, first loves and first heartbreaks by some little boy or little girl that daddy might not be around for to kiss and make better. What a task this woman has before her. I pray for her and at the same time, I envy her level of faith that was explained to me.

Rivers flow from my eyes on this one. I told my friend that told me this story about this man, this woman, her husband, his wife and their family that this is the precise moment along the road of life that you realize how bad you really don't have it. Things are never as bad as we believe they are. I admittedly got caught up in my own cypher, not the first time, perhaps not the last, but now I have a heightened sense of awareness about it. Some reference point of "shame on me" for being so selfish. There are bridges with people in my life I have torn down, have made impossible to cross and quite likely not in a position to be rebuilt. There are words I've used to cut into people like a butchers cleaver because, well I could, it was easy and I usually got the desired affect at the time. It was by design for me to hear that story today I feel. Beautiful design. This is a time of reflection. As sad as I feel in this moment, my emotions could never touch this woman's. I'm glad to feel this. This is actual. I'm standing on the outside of my cypher. I pray to always be looking in on it as opposed to being the driving force inside of it.

Poor Judgement

This is not an actual blog entry. It's a rescind of my previous entry. It's horseshit!!!!!

That's all....

This New Place...? Not Everything

So, I'm less than a week new to Atlanta and I thought this would be a "change". I expect much early on, but I am far from disappointed. I absolutely love it here! Would I have been the one to paint this canvas, I don't know that I could have done it better. I'm excited about what's still to come.

For now, very unexpectedly, in my mind, I'm right back where I started. Standing in that cul de sac the night before, wanting more, but knowing this is certainly what's best...uncomplicated. So, I decided to take the thoughts out of my head and let them stay silently in this place where few actually wake the words. This time though, I decided to do it in a poem. Not my own work unfortunately, but I think Beethoven does it well, even in my chosen condensed form.

Immortal Beloved by Beethoven

My thoughts go out to you, my Immortal Beloved,
now and then joyfully, then sadly,

I can live only wholly with you or not at all - Yes, I am resolved to wander so long away from you until I can fly to your arms and say
that I am really at home with you,
and can send my soul enwrapped in you into the land of spirits -

Yes, unhappily it must be so -
No one else can ever possess my heart - never - never -
Oh God, why must one be parted from one whom one so loves.

- Be calm, only by a calm consideration of our existence
can we achieve our purpose to live together
-Be calm - love me - today - yesterday -
what tearful longings for you -
you - you - my life - my all - farewell.

Oh continue to love me -
never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved.

ever thine
ever mine
ever ours

The Audacity of Hope

Hope is mentioned 121 and 159 times respectively in the KJV and NIV of the Bible. So it's sound to say that we need hope in our lives; it's key. Wikipedia defines hope as a belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one's life. Hope is the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best. To hope is to wish for something with the expectation of the wish being fulfilled, a key condition in unrequited love. That last part "unrequited love" is what brings me here.

I've hoped for one thing in particular for more than a year. I hoped that today would be the day. Okay, wait, it's going to be today. Well, today was a bad day, so tomorrow definitely will be the day. The love of a certain man. I hoped the love of my life would become the love of his life. We hope because it's something to hold on to. It makes us feel good in a world of intangibles because at least we can say we own that. No one can tell you what to hope for, when to stop, or stop at all. Well yesterday, I stopped. I'd hoped that more would come from a certain conversation and it didn't. Or did it? The absence of words, in this instance, was hope dying. Hope has a way of letting us down in ways nothing else can because we can't control the downward spiral from that ivory tower as we could traveling up it. The disappointment is as drastically self imposed as the original feeling.

I entitled this posting as I did, which we should all be familar with as a best selling published title because on the plus side, hope is multidimensional and has nerve. As it may seemingly fail us in one area, its value placed in something else will serve us stronger, longer and with greater fulfillment, even if momentarily unseen. We are allowed to move that emotion from one place to another, contain it, give it permission to lay dormant or spread it as far and wide as our dreams are long.

Although my hopes did not come to fruition in this instance, they will in another. I choose to move them; watch them settle into my soul, find a home in my smile and live in my heart. My dreams are beyond the sky and my hopes are along the way...the audacity...

~A~

Honesty Is The Best Policy...Conditionally Speaking

I'm a little tipsy, so I'm hoping this is not incoherent. I talk a lot about relationships and probably always will. I've had good one's, mediocre one's, fucked one's, one's I didn't quite get. But this entry is about the witness of one. Never in anything I write will I ever mention names. I might throw in a pseudo here and there, but for the most part he, him, her, she is the standard.

Recently I had a conversation with a very close friend of mine. It's a situation she is going through with her significant other. The bottom line of the conversation was about honesty which I'm drawing near to the meat of the weighty matter-shortly. The landscape...we've been friends since we were somewhere around 18/19 years old and in the 12 going on 13 years I have known her, I've only known her to be in love once. Before now. I won't go into too many personal details because I would hate for her to think I'm using a public forum to put her on front street. I digress. For the first time, much to my hearts delight, she has found herself in love for the second time in almost 13 years. I love love and maybe that's my problem, but the truth remains. I encourage any of my friends and even people I don't know for that matter to totally indulge in love. Head first at all costs. You learn a lot when you're drowning and only you can save yourself. Damn margarita's got me off track! Ok, so honesty and relationships. When does the honesty deal breaker go into effect? And are there levels of honesty that are considered acceptable?

My aforementioned friend found herself between the hard and honesty rock place this week. We have all been there and will again. It's inevitable. Tell this white lie (whatever the hell that is), say nothing, or straight dirty lie it out? I've heard it said that part of the truth is a whole lie. I disagree-to a degree. What my friend shared with her man was, in my world a definite full disclosure and I totally think she did the right thing. But here's the crux. She didn't get the response she expected and was devastated for a bit. Everything worked out in the end, but my inital point still stands. So, honesty is not ALWAYS the best policy based on the outcome you get as a result of your honest self. And do you know why? Because ever since you were a child, when your mother told you "honesty is the best policy" in a way, that stuck with you and for that reason, you also believed that honesty equated to absolution-even though Mama left that part out. But in your mind, why the hell else would that not be good advice if the next logical step was not automatic forgiveness? Just like I used to HATE when my mother would make me and my sister spend Saturday morning cleaning the house-it stuck with me. For no reason and nor was I given one for why that was a requirement. But at 30 and ever since I was on my own, what do you think I do on Saturday mornings? Clean the fucking house! Even when I don't want to. It's just in me. Don't get me wrong. I would say more than 95% of the time I am TOTALLY honest in relationships. But there is a difference, to me, between deal breaker lie's and those, if disclosed, would create more problems than necessary. It's situational at best. There is a significant line between "honey I fucked your best friend" honesty and "your mother's a haggard bitch" honesty. Which is less relationship devastating? And no, I'm not implying that not being honest about the best friend scenario is the way to go, as some of you in between the line readers would probably glean from that question-that's on you.

I don't actually have the answers to the questions I pose most of the time because I'm human and anything I write about I have also experienced. And because that's a past tense statement, clearly, on an occasion or two perhaps, I chose what was behind door number 2. I'm no guru. This is just thought provoking drunk typing.

~A~

Can The Past Ever Be Just That?

This is by no means an original subject, but definitely one I need to get out of my own head. So, I realize perhaps it is unfair and illogical to wrap time around "healing" or more so "the past". The feeling that comes along with being healed, emotionally, is not something another person has the ability to feel and is therefore subject to the interpreter. Me personally, I'm not talking about being mournful that a loved one passed away, say 10 years after the fact. I think that's something you never totally heal from. What am I talking about? The past and all it encompasses. The past is just that. It cannot be repeated, it was perhaps eventful, maybe placed you where you are in life right now, but certainly does not and should not set the stage for the rest of your life. I possess no agility in quoting bible scripture word for word, but somewhere in there (I promise), there is very specific reference to the past. Something about looking behind you prevents you from seeing what lies ahead (sorry JC-I did my best on that one). That's perfectly logical right? Try telling a man that...

What about issues of the past in a relationship? When is it time to let those things go IF you choose to stay in the relationship? Can the past ever be just that?

I had an experience some years ago in which someone cheated on me. I'd been with this person for 2 years at that point. I found out, in the sloppiest of ways, this person had or was currently cheating on me. I confronted, cried, hollered, fought (physically), kicked out, talked sh*t, but subsequently let this person back into my life, back into the relationship. I don't know why, but I figured it out so we are no longer together. That, however, was not until another 3 years went by. During this time, I never thought about what not letting go of that incident was doing to me, to the person I was with, considering I chose to reinvolve (is that a word?) myself with this person. I continued to have my suspicions but was always the type that didn't accuse if I didn't have solid proof. The result of having never talked about it, the build up, the ongoing doubt would surface during arguments about absolutely nothing. Like, you got me regular tampons instead of super...you cheating sack of sh*t!! Finally, as a last ditch effort, we went to a relationship counselor. It worked, while we were going and shortly after we stopped. The biggest lesson I took from that, which I carry with me today was "you (meaning me) can't keep being the victim and your spouse (maintaining anonymity) can't keep being the villain, if you choose to stay. Both of you will aways hurt if that be the case". Straight from the third parties mouth and I believed her. It made sense!! It was genius!! Never, ever, not once had it crossed my mind to let it go. It was my mission to make that persons life hell. F*ck sh*t kind of ideas would run across my mind like the CNN ticker. But, there was one problem with that mission, and Houston, it was a big problem. I was also making myself miserable. My decision to finally leave, ironically had nothing to do with cheating, but it was a friendly break up all in all. Granted all this rests squarely on the idea of staying or working it out. If you don't plan or want to do that, then you can stop reading right here cause I gots nothing else fo ya.

I have a current situation, that involves some past events. These events, which were actually few but involved one specific person other than who I was seeing at the time and my actions with this person, happened more than 2 years ago and some older. No I did not cheat in the traditional sense. That's fodder for another post. The point is, these events didn't actually happen the way this person thought they did. That's the fly in the oatmeal. Nevertheless I am currently being burned at the stake for them AND we are NOT together. We are like cats in a box 50% of the time, but there is passion, there is a connection which we both have agreed exists. This is someone I would very much like to (perhaps up until this past weekend) be back with. Yes, I would like that. But, not everyone is willing to go the counseling route and who is to say another counselor would give the same advice I received? That was my experience. I do think it is a universal truth that you cannot move forward with that person, in your life, as an individual if you keep allowing things from your past to weigh you down. I could have opted to have an unreal amount of animosity towards the person I spoke about in the previous paragraph-they earned it-but I chose not to. It's not supernatural. Letting go involves a tremendous amount of courage and vulnerability-I get that. You have to let your guard down. It's like the Linus blanket from Charlie Brown. Comfort lies in holding on because it requires nothing. But is that a realistic sense of security to continue to hoard? Is it a choice to let go or does it just magically happen one day? Is it fair to continue to crucify someone for certain events that happened, in my case, more than 2 years ago if you decide to stay or deal with that person on any level, that didn't actually even happen the way they think it did? Can a person be so convinced of said events that they cannot and will never get past it?

~A~