Can The Past Ever Be Just That?

This is by no means an original subject, but definitely one I need to get out of my own head. So, I realize perhaps it is unfair and illogical to wrap time around "healing" or more so "the past". The feeling that comes along with being healed, emotionally, is not something another person has the ability to feel and is therefore subject to the interpreter. Me personally, I'm not talking about being mournful that a loved one passed away, say 10 years after the fact. I think that's something you never totally heal from. What am I talking about? The past and all it encompasses. The past is just that. It cannot be repeated, it was perhaps eventful, maybe placed you where you are in life right now, but certainly does not and should not set the stage for the rest of your life. I possess no agility in quoting bible scripture word for word, but somewhere in there (I promise), there is very specific reference to the past. Something about looking behind you prevents you from seeing what lies ahead (sorry JC-I did my best on that one). That's perfectly logical right? Try telling a man that...

What about issues of the past in a relationship? When is it time to let those things go IF you choose to stay in the relationship? Can the past ever be just that?

I had an experience some years ago in which someone cheated on me. I'd been with this person for 2 years at that point. I found out, in the sloppiest of ways, this person had or was currently cheating on me. I confronted, cried, hollered, fought (physically), kicked out, talked sh*t, but subsequently let this person back into my life, back into the relationship. I don't know why, but I figured it out so we are no longer together. That, however, was not until another 3 years went by. During this time, I never thought about what not letting go of that incident was doing to me, to the person I was with, considering I chose to reinvolve (is that a word?) myself with this person. I continued to have my suspicions but was always the type that didn't accuse if I didn't have solid proof. The result of having never talked about it, the build up, the ongoing doubt would surface during arguments about absolutely nothing. Like, you got me regular tampons instead of super...you cheating sack of sh*t!! Finally, as a last ditch effort, we went to a relationship counselor. It worked, while we were going and shortly after we stopped. The biggest lesson I took from that, which I carry with me today was "you (meaning me) can't keep being the victim and your spouse (maintaining anonymity) can't keep being the villain, if you choose to stay. Both of you will aways hurt if that be the case". Straight from the third parties mouth and I believed her. It made sense!! It was genius!! Never, ever, not once had it crossed my mind to let it go. It was my mission to make that persons life hell. F*ck sh*t kind of ideas would run across my mind like the CNN ticker. But, there was one problem with that mission, and Houston, it was a big problem. I was also making myself miserable. My decision to finally leave, ironically had nothing to do with cheating, but it was a friendly break up all in all. Granted all this rests squarely on the idea of staying or working it out. If you don't plan or want to do that, then you can stop reading right here cause I gots nothing else fo ya.

I have a current situation, that involves some past events. These events, which were actually few but involved one specific person other than who I was seeing at the time and my actions with this person, happened more than 2 years ago and some older. No I did not cheat in the traditional sense. That's fodder for another post. The point is, these events didn't actually happen the way this person thought they did. That's the fly in the oatmeal. Nevertheless I am currently being burned at the stake for them AND we are NOT together. We are like cats in a box 50% of the time, but there is passion, there is a connection which we both have agreed exists. This is someone I would very much like to (perhaps up until this past weekend) be back with. Yes, I would like that. But, not everyone is willing to go the counseling route and who is to say another counselor would give the same advice I received? That was my experience. I do think it is a universal truth that you cannot move forward with that person, in your life, as an individual if you keep allowing things from your past to weigh you down. I could have opted to have an unreal amount of animosity towards the person I spoke about in the previous paragraph-they earned it-but I chose not to. It's not supernatural. Letting go involves a tremendous amount of courage and vulnerability-I get that. You have to let your guard down. It's like the Linus blanket from Charlie Brown. Comfort lies in holding on because it requires nothing. But is that a realistic sense of security to continue to hoard? Is it a choice to let go or does it just magically happen one day? Is it fair to continue to crucify someone for certain events that happened, in my case, more than 2 years ago if you decide to stay or deal with that person on any level, that didn't actually even happen the way they think it did? Can a person be so convinced of said events that they cannot and will never get past it?

~A~