Another Again

I haven't kept up with my blog at all over the last several weeks, but to post a song that was heavy on my mind one day. Additionally, "my territory" took a brief little hit at the discovery of one entry in particular that, well, rubbed someone the wrong way. Not to mention my new obsession with The Wendy Williams Show, numerous Showtime series and True Blood have kept a girl occupado! Yes, I've been THAT busy! Lol! So, I figured here's a good place to start-again. I finally got a job here in Atlanta!!! Yeyy all things me! If I said I was coming to feel as though my decision to leave it all behind and make this move was a bad one, I would not being doing that emotion any favors. I was becoming devastated! Barely holding on-literally. I actually had to consider, contemplate, admit and verbalize that I might have had to pack it all up-again-and go for the last resort. Moving to Phoenix to live with my mother! Having nothing to do with her because I adore my mother, but that would have been dreadful for a multitude of reasons.

Nearing what would have been 3 months in this new place with no job, was a definite test of my faith. After all, one can only take so many trips to Target, my book club meets only once a month and boredom - money = dwindling money. It was all a bumpy adventure into questioning oneself. What am I made of? How long can I believe, should I believe, would I believe in my decision? I chose this isolation, right? My faith was driven to the edge of a muddy cliff, one foot steaded on a stiletto, staring into some unforecasted cataclysm. As dramatic as it may sound, it is not less true. It's a sinking feeling when you no longer have tangible security. Everything about me this time last year barely exists. I always believed I was a strong individual, considering. There have been instances in my life, some no one knows about, that should have broken me. I definitely don't think I've always taken the high road and I'm certainly nothing above a regular human. So, I accept the tears over these few months, revel in the aloneness, reflect on where I could have been versus where I have been and where I currently am and can say, without a doubt that, I get me! I'm positive there is more to be learned, more missteps I will have to take and tough decisions I will need to make, but knowing just the little more about myself that I know now, I can hold a higher level of confidence and say "yeah I can do that too". I realize now that this all could have been so much worse, but when you're the one in it, as far as you're concerned, believe and possibly recite in silence, this is only happening to me. No one else is enduring the same emotions I am at this moment. I've been forgotten about. The mind plays the best (code: worst), tricks on you-fully. But as soon as I was offered the position, I literally felt lighter. Stress, doubt, anxiety and defeat are heavy feelings and they're real. It's like carrying around a backpack of bricks, but you get so used to that heaviness, it becomes an extention of you. It's easy to forget how light feels. Well, for the first Sunday since March 20, since I've been here, I'm a feather :o)!!!

I'm not sure what this is going to look like, all this starting over, but I can say that I made the right decision for myself. A complete overhaul. I have a vision for my life, even before all of this newness. They're my visions and they're as clear as a cloudless blue sky. Some clouds drift in and out, different shapes, some small-hardly noticeable and quickly moving, some quite large and ominous that stick around for longer than invited, but they pass along...always and again.

P.S. I'm off to Vegas next weekend to celebrate all this starting over (any reason to be in Vegas). I hate to say the expected, "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas", but this time, since it's not for work and nor will I be with family, I'm "betting" on it! Maybe, MAYBE, I'll speak on it when I return. Viva Las Vegas!!!!