Just A Moment

Jill Unreleased

I like that no matter where or in what form you see her, live, on T.V., it's never the same twice. Almost like seeing or hearing her for the first time each time.

Grosse Pointe Blank

I have a secret (not so much anymore) obsession with a surprising individual. John Cusack. He's not considered a big name star or anything, but some of his movies tend to strike a cord with me. High Fidelity (one of my top ten fav movies) for the music aspect. Say Anything, while to me is horribly acted, is a cult classic largely due to the scene where Lloyd holds the boom box over his head outside of Diane's window blasting "In Your Eyes". While I was never a Peter Gabriel fan, I don't know anyone in my generation who has not slow danced at an after school dance to this song in some sweat stained, teenage hormone funked gym. Furthermore, I can appreciate the nepotism in that his sister seems to show up in some obscure way in most of his movies. At any rate, the point I'm making is that he always has a scene, a line, an epiphany that just floors me and brings me into an altered and not necessarily untrue sense of reality. The timing seems to line up with some area of my life. Even if he's not the one delivering the line at the time-I still associate it with him. Always in the manner in which I wish I could be so eloquent and get my point across to an individual. Gotta love the movies. I mean think about it. Yes it's a movie, but these are real people writing this stuff. They think like this in real life. It just so happens that they make it larger than life and bank it. I used to watch High Fidelity,well high, and I would almost be brought to tears because of the irony of the subtext. It was always the scene where he leaves the reception for the death of Laura's father after he realizes how uninvolved he was in his own relationship, but all the while throughout the movie he pity's himself. He's sitting on a bench in the rain, in the dark, speaking out loud, but to himself really. "I can see now I never really committed to Laura. I always had one foot out the door, and that prevented me from doing a lot of things, like thinking about my future and... I guess it made more sense to commit to nothing, keep my options open. And that's suicide. By tiny, tiny increments". It's a great scene! He looks for answers in past relationships, never realizing until that moment that it was his fault and how unaware he was while the relationship was actually relevant. Gets me every time! Not necessarily in that it applied totally to me, but there is a lot of me in that quote. My initial discovery of this movie and some events of my life at this same time stood side by side. To me, he was saying he was numb. You only consciously realize how uninvolved you felt in the use of your arms, your legs, your words, after the numbness has subsided. I liken it to being in a mobile, upright coma. Being in a coma steals time from you and as much as you would give, you're unable to provide an explanation for what's been lost. That was me. That is why this movie meant so much to me. As movies go, it had the fairytale ending and they got back together. That's where movies lose me because I just don't know many stories like that. Perhaps my wishful side indulges for that reason and I can always hope. I would have loved for the person in which other parts of that movie were applicable to have watched it with me and our worlds just turned on its axis within those cleaver lines. I digress...

So, I'm flipping through the channels on my guide today looking for something good on T.V. and Grosse Point Blank is on. I don't know anything about this movie. I don't really recall it being in the movie theaters back when-'97 according to the info tab and the storyline seems somewhat boring and predictable. But for no other reason than who the starring role belongs to, it should be good. No doubt-30 minutes in, I get a line and it's a twist on a cliche. We all know this one "if you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it's yours. If it doesn't, it was never yours to keep", or always some variation therein. I personally always hated that generic consolation prize. Hearing it never actually made me feel better or even good for that matter. But for the fact that I am a sucker for love, there go I...eating that shit up. So here's the twist "If you love something set it free. If it comes back to you, it's usually broken". How damn brilliant is that?! Now THAT feels better!!! I'm not saying it has to be true. No more than the original quote may or may not be true. It's subjective. I think two people who lost their connection at some point, can reconnect and neither party be broken. To that point, further into the movie, the person who made this statement to John Cusack's character retracted it slightly after spending more time with him and said "I don't think you're broken, just mildly sprained". Well hell who ain't?!

Some people have a daily mantra, quote or bible scripture that they play over and over in their head throughout the day. Whether for personal inspiration or to share with someone you may encounter as your move throughout your day. Well, there's one more to add to the collection. You could stick to regurgitating a tired, thread bare cliche quote that will not land or if laced with the right cadence and perfect timing you could go with the twist. Whatever gets you through the day and isn't that what we're all looking for when we wake up in the morning...?

If You Think It Applies To You....Assume You're Not Wrong

I'm supposed to be doing my hair right now, but I had to get this out cause I'm PISSED!!!

I HATE you! No, like really, really, really, really, HATE you!!! Not the kind of "I want your roof to cave in and you get trapped under the rubble type of hate", (I'm capable of that kind and have wished it on a few). It's the kind where if I never heard from you again, I wouldn't exactly be sad about it. Furthermore, I might actually be over the moon about it. It just came to me today. Fuck feelings. Fuck love. Fuck your stories. Fuck a good fuck. Fuck laughing. Fuck the music. Fuck the memories. And middle finger to you and three people that look like you!

You put me in a pocket! How dare you!!!! You went on about your way, spewing bullshit at me while you were at it. "It's the one area in which we get along" says him. I believed you!!! WTF???!!! Frankly, if I'm being honest with myself, it sounded like shit then and it sounds like bullshit now. Especially now that I can see clearly thru you. You drew the line in the sand and it just came into view. A line that started at your dick and ended at my pussy with ABSOLUTELY nothing in between. You're common! You're a common man in noble men's clothing! You're a common man with a gentleman's vernacular! I'm excited that we have not shared a bed in a while! I'm excited that you're now someone else's heartache, confusion and soon to be tears! You're a user and I see you!! If it's not to your advantage, it matters not. You fucking dick! It was easy for you too because you knew where I was, you knew what I wanted and you knew where I was going! I hope you're happy about the sympathy you managed to generate from your distorted reality, jagged truth and puzzle stories. It's false sympathy by the way, but I'm sure you could give a shit cause sympathy is sympathy and that's your calling card. If for one day, I'd like to have a dick so I could fuck you with it!!!!!

However, I'm reasonable (unlike you). I can't totally blame you. I allowed it. Against my better judgement. I fell into the very well designed trap you laid out. A trap I'm still trying to gnaw my own right foot off to get completely out of. I'm learning though, that the switch works both ways. But, being that I'm a girl, it just took me a little longer to locate it. Well, update: switch found, switch flipped...you're off. After all, you just did what most home grown assholes do. Well done! Well played! Well maneuvered! But a winner you are not. So, bottom line here are a number of things I know:

1. Karma's a bitch.
2. As long as you're so busy blaming everyone else, you'll always be where you've always been.
3. You talk too much to the wrong people.
4. As long as you search, no matter how many you run thru, for all those that will never meet your standard-your version of perfection.....none will ever be what I was to you.

But, I understand why you would never admit any of these things. Because you're you. And for that, I'm over...you...FUCKER!!!!

....And Then The Sun Came Up

Refreshed, renewed, relaxed.
And then, this song always makes me smile...

3:51 a.m. Free Association

sleep, sleep, sleep
cold, hot, cold, hot....no I'm cold
how did this start?
oh yeah, my stomach ached
or was that my heart/ached?
what am I holding down?
music
music will bring it up
iPod
shuffle shuffle shuffle
past elliptical music
note: create play lists
note: add that to the list of plays
"good mourning"-india.arie
tear one
..two
...three
....i lost count
i hate my sensitivity
doesn't count...turn down, turn off
evacuate!!!!
where is my built in switch?
boys get all the good toys
"insomnia"-raheem devaughn
hey! even my shuffle knows what's up
almost don't want to sleep
usually the time for that reoccurring dream
he is a cute little boy though
stay sleep stay sleep stay sleep
just stay sleep and he'll speak
i wish he'd speak
his little voice will remind me what love sounds like
"i'll be waiting"-lenny kravitz
no the hell i won't!
i don't want to!
i'm ready to go!
this place is old!
i want out!
RUUUUUUUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
tear one
..two
.....lost count
i remember the last time i was like this
i am heartbroken
in several places
for many reasons
i don't care to continue to admit that
i'll consider that the last time i do
quiet tortured soul of mine
this side never leaves my side
"don't let me down"-amel larrieux
but...
you already have

Role Reversals

I was talking to my mother recently about my current situation. I'm in a new city after having been laid off in Virginia. So, I packed it up and headed down I-85 a month and a half ago and now I'm finding my way. Finding a job, making new friends, dating possibilities, etc. We talk often now because she's worried. It's strange when you become an adult how the roles reverse. You end up comforting your parents and encouraging them to get through your adulthood. My father even told me to let him know if he's "hovering" which I thought was cute as he had taken somewhat of a hands off approach to me and my sister over the last several years until now. He was always a good father, never absent, always on time, but very much about himself and his own opinion. If you pay attention you notice the evolution of conversations with parents. They tell you things that maybe they wouldn't have told you when you were younger. Perhaps for the good of all parties. But one thing is very clear; my parents believe in me. In separate but equal ways. My mother knows me best just based on the fact that she is who raised me for the most part. My parents divorced when I was four years old so I don't remember ever living with my father as some of my memories as a child are blurred. For no reason really. I just have a bad memory. My sister remembers most of it-amazing to me. 85-90% of my growth and development I owe to my mother. My father is more formal. He knows the business side of me and he thinks I border on genius (which is far from true), but I let him believe that.

So when my mother made the following statement to me, "Aja, you've never done anything the easy way", I was at first taken aback. I wasn't sure if I should be offended or thank her for sharing that with me. She was speaking mainly about my choice to just get up and move, but after asking her, she meant as far as she could remember. I did a quick inventory on what I could remember as a child to now just to see if she was right. At least, to the degree that she knows about, she was right. The first thing that came to mind was when I was four, my sister was five and already in school and learning how to read. Well instead of waiting until it was my turn to go to school and let the teachers teach me how to read, I taught myself how to read. No way was my sister going to do what I couldn't do! English ended up being my best subject all through school. I thought of when I swore I was in love in high school with this guy named Tony, who I was forbidden from seeing, how I somehow snuck off with him and ended up in Stockton California, which was about a two hour drive from where we lived. Well, Tony decided he didn't want to drive me back to the city, so I got stranded up there and ended up in a foster home for the rest of the day because the cops thought I was a runaway. This is funny to me now, but traumatic at the time. Needless to say my mother was furious because she had to come get me. From that I learned what kind of relationships to not involve myself in. I had a few struggles in Virginia. I moved there when I was 17 for college, was terribly homesick during the first several weeks and had not made friends. My mother begged me to come home. I refused. I made some really good friends, enjoyed college and grew up. My first apartment was with a friend at the time, who ended up being a horrible roommate and we fell out in the worst way, so I wanted out. A friend and I moved my stuff, on foot, at midnight, in the rain from one unit to another, which was about a quarter mile each way. That was a very trying night, but we got it done and I learned to live alone.

There are numerous occasions like these, all choices I made, none easier than the one before. But each one gave me something I didn't have before. The physical move here was not easy. It was expensive, stressful, isolated, lonely, sometimes it's still lonely and I don't know where it's going. But 17 and homesick, moving on foot in the rain, in love with the wrong man, not waiting on someone to teach me what I could just teach myself are all traits I own. The willingness to do something impossible, not always waiting on someone to do for me what I can do for myself, knowing that sometimes being stubborn bares good fruit and realizing that once the hurt dies off, heart break will cause it to beat ten times stronger for "the one". My mother, I'm sure can pull up these moments up in her mind like a spinning Rolodex and some she would have liked to have shielded me from. When we talk now and there is that tone of worry lingering at the back of each of her statements, I'll continue to comfort her. It's my responsibility as a product of her and a product of my own decisions. I'll be sure she knows I've been bent to my limits, but I never broke. She'll be aware of the tears I've shed, but that my head was always to the sky. She'll be reassured that I don't just hope, I expect.