Honesty Is The Best Policy...Conditionally Speaking

I'm a little tipsy, so I'm hoping this is not incoherent. I talk a lot about relationships and probably always will. I've had good one's, mediocre one's, fucked one's, one's I didn't quite get. But this entry is about the witness of one. Never in anything I write will I ever mention names. I might throw in a pseudo here and there, but for the most part he, him, her, she is the standard.

Recently I had a conversation with a very close friend of mine. It's a situation she is going through with her significant other. The bottom line of the conversation was about honesty which I'm drawing near to the meat of the weighty matter-shortly. The landscape...we've been friends since we were somewhere around 18/19 years old and in the 12 going on 13 years I have known her, I've only known her to be in love once. Before now. I won't go into too many personal details because I would hate for her to think I'm using a public forum to put her on front street. I digress. For the first time, much to my hearts delight, she has found herself in love for the second time in almost 13 years. I love love and maybe that's my problem, but the truth remains. I encourage any of my friends and even people I don't know for that matter to totally indulge in love. Head first at all costs. You learn a lot when you're drowning and only you can save yourself. Damn margarita's got me off track! Ok, so honesty and relationships. When does the honesty deal breaker go into effect? And are there levels of honesty that are considered acceptable?

My aforementioned friend found herself between the hard and honesty rock place this week. We have all been there and will again. It's inevitable. Tell this white lie (whatever the hell that is), say nothing, or straight dirty lie it out? I've heard it said that part of the truth is a whole lie. I disagree-to a degree. What my friend shared with her man was, in my world a definite full disclosure and I totally think she did the right thing. But here's the crux. She didn't get the response she expected and was devastated for a bit. Everything worked out in the end, but my inital point still stands. So, honesty is not ALWAYS the best policy based on the outcome you get as a result of your honest self. And do you know why? Because ever since you were a child, when your mother told you "honesty is the best policy" in a way, that stuck with you and for that reason, you also believed that honesty equated to absolution-even though Mama left that part out. But in your mind, why the hell else would that not be good advice if the next logical step was not automatic forgiveness? Just like I used to HATE when my mother would make me and my sister spend Saturday morning cleaning the house-it stuck with me. For no reason and nor was I given one for why that was a requirement. But at 30 and ever since I was on my own, what do you think I do on Saturday mornings? Clean the fucking house! Even when I don't want to. It's just in me. Don't get me wrong. I would say more than 95% of the time I am TOTALLY honest in relationships. But there is a difference, to me, between deal breaker lie's and those, if disclosed, would create more problems than necessary. It's situational at best. There is a significant line between "honey I fucked your best friend" honesty and "your mother's a haggard bitch" honesty. Which is less relationship devastating? And no, I'm not implying that not being honest about the best friend scenario is the way to go, as some of you in between the line readers would probably glean from that question-that's on you.

I don't actually have the answers to the questions I pose most of the time because I'm human and anything I write about I have also experienced. And because that's a past tense statement, clearly, on an occasion or two perhaps, I chose what was behind door number 2. I'm no guru. This is just thought provoking drunk typing.

~A~

Can The Past Ever Be Just That?

This is by no means an original subject, but definitely one I need to get out of my own head. So, I realize perhaps it is unfair and illogical to wrap time around "healing" or more so "the past". The feeling that comes along with being healed, emotionally, is not something another person has the ability to feel and is therefore subject to the interpreter. Me personally, I'm not talking about being mournful that a loved one passed away, say 10 years after the fact. I think that's something you never totally heal from. What am I talking about? The past and all it encompasses. The past is just that. It cannot be repeated, it was perhaps eventful, maybe placed you where you are in life right now, but certainly does not and should not set the stage for the rest of your life. I possess no agility in quoting bible scripture word for word, but somewhere in there (I promise), there is very specific reference to the past. Something about looking behind you prevents you from seeing what lies ahead (sorry JC-I did my best on that one). That's perfectly logical right? Try telling a man that...

What about issues of the past in a relationship? When is it time to let those things go IF you choose to stay in the relationship? Can the past ever be just that?

I had an experience some years ago in which someone cheated on me. I'd been with this person for 2 years at that point. I found out, in the sloppiest of ways, this person had or was currently cheating on me. I confronted, cried, hollered, fought (physically), kicked out, talked sh*t, but subsequently let this person back into my life, back into the relationship. I don't know why, but I figured it out so we are no longer together. That, however, was not until another 3 years went by. During this time, I never thought about what not letting go of that incident was doing to me, to the person I was with, considering I chose to reinvolve (is that a word?) myself with this person. I continued to have my suspicions but was always the type that didn't accuse if I didn't have solid proof. The result of having never talked about it, the build up, the ongoing doubt would surface during arguments about absolutely nothing. Like, you got me regular tampons instead of super...you cheating sack of sh*t!! Finally, as a last ditch effort, we went to a relationship counselor. It worked, while we were going and shortly after we stopped. The biggest lesson I took from that, which I carry with me today was "you (meaning me) can't keep being the victim and your spouse (maintaining anonymity) can't keep being the villain, if you choose to stay. Both of you will aways hurt if that be the case". Straight from the third parties mouth and I believed her. It made sense!! It was genius!! Never, ever, not once had it crossed my mind to let it go. It was my mission to make that persons life hell. F*ck sh*t kind of ideas would run across my mind like the CNN ticker. But, there was one problem with that mission, and Houston, it was a big problem. I was also making myself miserable. My decision to finally leave, ironically had nothing to do with cheating, but it was a friendly break up all in all. Granted all this rests squarely on the idea of staying or working it out. If you don't plan or want to do that, then you can stop reading right here cause I gots nothing else fo ya.

I have a current situation, that involves some past events. These events, which were actually few but involved one specific person other than who I was seeing at the time and my actions with this person, happened more than 2 years ago and some older. No I did not cheat in the traditional sense. That's fodder for another post. The point is, these events didn't actually happen the way this person thought they did. That's the fly in the oatmeal. Nevertheless I am currently being burned at the stake for them AND we are NOT together. We are like cats in a box 50% of the time, but there is passion, there is a connection which we both have agreed exists. This is someone I would very much like to (perhaps up until this past weekend) be back with. Yes, I would like that. But, not everyone is willing to go the counseling route and who is to say another counselor would give the same advice I received? That was my experience. I do think it is a universal truth that you cannot move forward with that person, in your life, as an individual if you keep allowing things from your past to weigh you down. I could have opted to have an unreal amount of animosity towards the person I spoke about in the previous paragraph-they earned it-but I chose not to. It's not supernatural. Letting go involves a tremendous amount of courage and vulnerability-I get that. You have to let your guard down. It's like the Linus blanket from Charlie Brown. Comfort lies in holding on because it requires nothing. But is that a realistic sense of security to continue to hoard? Is it a choice to let go or does it just magically happen one day? Is it fair to continue to crucify someone for certain events that happened, in my case, more than 2 years ago if you decide to stay or deal with that person on any level, that didn't actually even happen the way they think it did? Can a person be so convinced of said events that they cannot and will never get past it?

~A~