"Ain't A Ceiling"

Ok, so I'm wack cause I haven't actually posted any of my own words, once again, in a while. It's coming. But, I happened across this, never saw it when it aired, anyone that knows me = HUGE JILLY FAN!!!!! This fully breaks my heart and manages to bring me joy at the same time...that's Jill. I also wanted to keep this in somewhat of an archived state. Dedication: to my future Supreme Being...

Milk & Honey - Goapele

ON REPEAT!!!!

Milk and Honey - Goapele from goapele on Vimeo.

Another Again

I haven't kept up with my blog at all over the last several weeks, but to post a song that was heavy on my mind one day. Additionally, "my territory" took a brief little hit at the discovery of one entry in particular that, well, rubbed someone the wrong way. Not to mention my new obsession with The Wendy Williams Show, numerous Showtime series and True Blood have kept a girl occupado! Yes, I've been THAT busy! Lol! So, I figured here's a good place to start-again. I finally got a job here in Atlanta!!! Yeyy all things me! If I said I was coming to feel as though my decision to leave it all behind and make this move was a bad one, I would not being doing that emotion any favors. I was becoming devastated! Barely holding on-literally. I actually had to consider, contemplate, admit and verbalize that I might have had to pack it all up-again-and go for the last resort. Moving to Phoenix to live with my mother! Having nothing to do with her because I adore my mother, but that would have been dreadful for a multitude of reasons.

Nearing what would have been 3 months in this new place with no job, was a definite test of my faith. After all, one can only take so many trips to Target, my book club meets only once a month and boredom - money = dwindling money. It was all a bumpy adventure into questioning oneself. What am I made of? How long can I believe, should I believe, would I believe in my decision? I chose this isolation, right? My faith was driven to the edge of a muddy cliff, one foot steaded on a stiletto, staring into some unforecasted cataclysm. As dramatic as it may sound, it is not less true. It's a sinking feeling when you no longer have tangible security. Everything about me this time last year barely exists. I always believed I was a strong individual, considering. There have been instances in my life, some no one knows about, that should have broken me. I definitely don't think I've always taken the high road and I'm certainly nothing above a regular human. So, I accept the tears over these few months, revel in the aloneness, reflect on where I could have been versus where I have been and where I currently am and can say, without a doubt that, I get me! I'm positive there is more to be learned, more missteps I will have to take and tough decisions I will need to make, but knowing just the little more about myself that I know now, I can hold a higher level of confidence and say "yeah I can do that too". I realize now that this all could have been so much worse, but when you're the one in it, as far as you're concerned, believe and possibly recite in silence, this is only happening to me. No one else is enduring the same emotions I am at this moment. I've been forgotten about. The mind plays the best (code: worst), tricks on you-fully. But as soon as I was offered the position, I literally felt lighter. Stress, doubt, anxiety and defeat are heavy feelings and they're real. It's like carrying around a backpack of bricks, but you get so used to that heaviness, it becomes an extention of you. It's easy to forget how light feels. Well, for the first Sunday since March 20, since I've been here, I'm a feather :o)!!!

I'm not sure what this is going to look like, all this starting over, but I can say that I made the right decision for myself. A complete overhaul. I have a vision for my life, even before all of this newness. They're my visions and they're as clear as a cloudless blue sky. Some clouds drift in and out, different shapes, some small-hardly noticeable and quickly moving, some quite large and ominous that stick around for longer than invited, but they pass along...always and again.

P.S. I'm off to Vegas next weekend to celebrate all this starting over (any reason to be in Vegas). I hate to say the expected, "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas", but this time, since it's not for work and nor will I be with family, I'm "betting" on it! Maybe, MAYBE, I'll speak on it when I return. Viva Las Vegas!!!!

Just A Moment

Jill Unreleased

I like that no matter where or in what form you see her, live, on T.V., it's never the same twice. Almost like seeing or hearing her for the first time each time.

Grosse Pointe Blank

I have a secret (not so much anymore) obsession with a surprising individual. John Cusack. He's not considered a big name star or anything, but some of his movies tend to strike a cord with me. High Fidelity (one of my top ten fav movies) for the music aspect. Say Anything, while to me is horribly acted, is a cult classic largely due to the scene where Lloyd holds the boom box over his head outside of Diane's window blasting "In Your Eyes". While I was never a Peter Gabriel fan, I don't know anyone in my generation who has not slow danced at an after school dance to this song in some sweat stained, teenage hormone funked gym. Furthermore, I can appreciate the nepotism in that his sister seems to show up in some obscure way in most of his movies. At any rate, the point I'm making is that he always has a scene, a line, an epiphany that just floors me and brings me into an altered and not necessarily untrue sense of reality. The timing seems to line up with some area of my life. Even if he's not the one delivering the line at the time-I still associate it with him. Always in the manner in which I wish I could be so eloquent and get my point across to an individual. Gotta love the movies. I mean think about it. Yes it's a movie, but these are real people writing this stuff. They think like this in real life. It just so happens that they make it larger than life and bank it. I used to watch High Fidelity,well high, and I would almost be brought to tears because of the irony of the subtext. It was always the scene where he leaves the reception for the death of Laura's father after he realizes how uninvolved he was in his own relationship, but all the while throughout the movie he pity's himself. He's sitting on a bench in the rain, in the dark, speaking out loud, but to himself really. "I can see now I never really committed to Laura. I always had one foot out the door, and that prevented me from doing a lot of things, like thinking about my future and... I guess it made more sense to commit to nothing, keep my options open. And that's suicide. By tiny, tiny increments". It's a great scene! He looks for answers in past relationships, never realizing until that moment that it was his fault and how unaware he was while the relationship was actually relevant. Gets me every time! Not necessarily in that it applied totally to me, but there is a lot of me in that quote. My initial discovery of this movie and some events of my life at this same time stood side by side. To me, he was saying he was numb. You only consciously realize how uninvolved you felt in the use of your arms, your legs, your words, after the numbness has subsided. I liken it to being in a mobile, upright coma. Being in a coma steals time from you and as much as you would give, you're unable to provide an explanation for what's been lost. That was me. That is why this movie meant so much to me. As movies go, it had the fairytale ending and they got back together. That's where movies lose me because I just don't know many stories like that. Perhaps my wishful side indulges for that reason and I can always hope. I would have loved for the person in which other parts of that movie were applicable to have watched it with me and our worlds just turned on its axis within those cleaver lines. I digress...

So, I'm flipping through the channels on my guide today looking for something good on T.V. and Grosse Point Blank is on. I don't know anything about this movie. I don't really recall it being in the movie theaters back when-'97 according to the info tab and the storyline seems somewhat boring and predictable. But for no other reason than who the starring role belongs to, it should be good. No doubt-30 minutes in, I get a line and it's a twist on a cliche. We all know this one "if you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it's yours. If it doesn't, it was never yours to keep", or always some variation therein. I personally always hated that generic consolation prize. Hearing it never actually made me feel better or even good for that matter. But for the fact that I am a sucker for love, there go I...eating that shit up. So here's the twist "If you love something set it free. If it comes back to you, it's usually broken". How damn brilliant is that?! Now THAT feels better!!! I'm not saying it has to be true. No more than the original quote may or may not be true. It's subjective. I think two people who lost their connection at some point, can reconnect and neither party be broken. To that point, further into the movie, the person who made this statement to John Cusack's character retracted it slightly after spending more time with him and said "I don't think you're broken, just mildly sprained". Well hell who ain't?!

Some people have a daily mantra, quote or bible scripture that they play over and over in their head throughout the day. Whether for personal inspiration or to share with someone you may encounter as your move throughout your day. Well, there's one more to add to the collection. You could stick to regurgitating a tired, thread bare cliche quote that will not land or if laced with the right cadence and perfect timing you could go with the twist. Whatever gets you through the day and isn't that what we're all looking for when we wake up in the morning...?

If You Think It Applies To You....Assume You're Not Wrong

I'm supposed to be doing my hair right now, but I had to get this out cause I'm PISSED!!!

I HATE you! No, like really, really, really, really, HATE you!!! Not the kind of "I want your roof to cave in and you get trapped under the rubble type of hate", (I'm capable of that kind and have wished it on a few). It's the kind where if I never heard from you again, I wouldn't exactly be sad about it. Furthermore, I might actually be over the moon about it. It just came to me today. Fuck feelings. Fuck love. Fuck your stories. Fuck a good fuck. Fuck laughing. Fuck the music. Fuck the memories. And middle finger to you and three people that look like you!

You put me in a pocket! How dare you!!!! You went on about your way, spewing bullshit at me while you were at it. "It's the one area in which we get along" says him. I believed you!!! WTF???!!! Frankly, if I'm being honest with myself, it sounded like shit then and it sounds like bullshit now. Especially now that I can see clearly thru you. You drew the line in the sand and it just came into view. A line that started at your dick and ended at my pussy with ABSOLUTELY nothing in between. You're common! You're a common man in noble men's clothing! You're a common man with a gentleman's vernacular! I'm excited that we have not shared a bed in a while! I'm excited that you're now someone else's heartache, confusion and soon to be tears! You're a user and I see you!! If it's not to your advantage, it matters not. You fucking dick! It was easy for you too because you knew where I was, you knew what I wanted and you knew where I was going! I hope you're happy about the sympathy you managed to generate from your distorted reality, jagged truth and puzzle stories. It's false sympathy by the way, but I'm sure you could give a shit cause sympathy is sympathy and that's your calling card. If for one day, I'd like to have a dick so I could fuck you with it!!!!!

However, I'm reasonable (unlike you). I can't totally blame you. I allowed it. Against my better judgement. I fell into the very well designed trap you laid out. A trap I'm still trying to gnaw my own right foot off to get completely out of. I'm learning though, that the switch works both ways. But, being that I'm a girl, it just took me a little longer to locate it. Well, update: switch found, switch flipped...you're off. After all, you just did what most home grown assholes do. Well done! Well played! Well maneuvered! But a winner you are not. So, bottom line here are a number of things I know:

1. Karma's a bitch.
2. As long as you're so busy blaming everyone else, you'll always be where you've always been.
3. You talk too much to the wrong people.
4. As long as you search, no matter how many you run thru, for all those that will never meet your standard-your version of perfection.....none will ever be what I was to you.

But, I understand why you would never admit any of these things. Because you're you. And for that, I'm over...you...FUCKER!!!!